“If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘coffee.’ I’ll understand.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“I’m not procrastinating. I’m doing side quests.” – Unknown
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not sure.” – Unknown
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
“My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.” – Unknown
“You know you’re texting a lot when you start to autocorrect yourself in real life.” – Unknown
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown
“The problem with candy is that it’s so hard to stop eating it once you start. The problem with vegetables is that they taste like garbage.” – Unknown
“I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.” – Unknown
“I am on a diet, I’m just not on a diet right now.” – Unknown
“I have a very strong feeling that the world is a lot like a large joke, and I am not in on it.” – Unknown
“I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
“I think I’m allergic to mornings.” – Unknown
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!” – Unknown
“I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.” – Unknown
“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.” – Unknown
“Some graduate with honors, some without honors, but none of them with a sense of humor.” – Unknown
“I’m trying to lose weight but it’s not working because I’m just too sweet.” – Unknown
“The problem with jogging is that the ice cream truck is never around when you need it.” – Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a really good actor pretending to be a functional adult.” – Unknown
“I like my coffee like I like my humor—dark and bitter.” – Unknown
“If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?” – Unknown
“I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
“I’m not a morning person, or a night person. I’m more of an afternoon person.” – Unknown
“You can’t have everything… where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
“I need six months of vacation, twice a year.” – Unknown
“I’m not short. I’m vertically challenged.” – Unknown
“I don’t need a mood ring. I have a face.” – Unknown
“I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it.” – Unknown
“Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.” – Unknown
“Some days I amaze myself. Other days, I put my keys in the fridge.” – Unknown
“I like hashtags because they look like waffles.” – Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.” – Steven Wright
“You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.” – Unknown
“My boss wanted me to start our presentation with a joke. The first thing that came to my mind was my paycheck.” – Unknown
“I always carry a pencil in case I need to draw attention.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Unknown
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” – Unknown
“I don’t trust stairs because they’re always up to something.” – Unknown
“I think my guardian angel drinks.” – Unknown
“I have a lot of plans for the future, mostly involving food.” – Unknown
“I’m not a great cook, but I can cook up some excuses for why I haven’t cooked lately.” – Unknown
“I hate it when I think I’m buying organic vegetables, and when I get home, I discover they’re just regular donuts.” – Unknown
“I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.” – Unknown
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.” – Unknown
“If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.” – Unknown
“I have a very strong feeling that the world is a lot like a large joke, and I am not in on it.” – Unknown