“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carrey
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” – Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
“I am on a 30-day diet. I have already lost 15 days.” – Unknown
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.” – Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.” – Steven Wright
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Unknown
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” – Jules Renard
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” – Michael Scott
“If you want to look thin, hang out with fat people.” – Rodney Dangerfield
“There’s no ‘we’ in fries.” – Unknown
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing
“I didn’t fall. I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.” – Unknown
“Age is just a number, and mine is unlisted.” – Unknown
“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” – Unknown
“I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.” – Unknown
“I’ve reached an age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.” – Unknown
“I’m writing a book on reverse psychology. Don’t buy it.” – Unknown
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” – Steven Wright
“I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.” – Unknown
“Why do they call it fast food when it’s so slow?” – Unknown
“I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
“If you can’t be kind, at least be vague.” – Unknown
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” – Jackie Mason
“I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.” – Unknown
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” – Bob Hope
“A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a body.” – Unknown
“I’m on a mission to find the world’s best nap spot.” – Unknown
“I’m like 104% tired.” – Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.” – Unknown
“Life is too short to wear boring socks.” – Unknown
“If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted, I wish I had a puppy.” – Unknown
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – Winnie the Pooh
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I think my guardian angel drinks.” – Unknown
“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.” – Unknown
“Sometimes I wonder if I’m not just a really good actor pretending to be a functional adult.” – Unknown
“I’m not a morning person, but I’m a coffee person.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
“I want to be rich and I want to be famous, but I don’t want to work for it.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I’m the boss.” – Beyoncé